Flittering

Dabbling, jumping, escaping

To flitter means to move about quickly from place to place, often in an uneven manner.

I am the quintessential flitterer.

My mind is teeming with things that I could, might, or even should do. By academic training, I am a geologist, oceanographer, and biogeochemist. To be an Earth scientist means to think in systems, and thinking in systems means thinking about literally everything under the sun. History, philosophy, theology, science, linguistics—I am interested by them all.

After graduating, I found myself in the world of carbon market startups through a chance class I took as I was mastering out of my PhD program. In my professional career, I have been with four employers in four years, which speaks to my base level of dissatisfaction with those in authority over me. Sales, operations, research, technical writing, safety, compliance—I’ve done them all.

I dabble, I jump, I escape. Once I’ve read enough about a set of ideas I drop them like a used kleenex and I move on to the next thing. Once I’m frustrated enough with an employer I jump to the next one without a second look back. When I fear something enough, I run immediately. I am in a constant state of flux. The me of five years ago is illegible to me. His opinions, claims, and protests mean nothing to me.

I find this state of affairs to be frustrating. I sometimes reflect on my friend from high school who knew what he wanted to do when he grew up, and he did it. He was a devout Catholic his whole life and always wanted to be an aerospace engineer. He is now married and working as an aerospace engineer. Would that I had such a singular vision for my life at all times, and the discipline to go out and execute it!

Being a dilettante annoys me. I want to be the person who can dedicate his whole life to the study of one or two fields, to dive deep into a profession or three, and be satisfied. I am dissatisfied. I want more. More knowledge, more interesting work, more interior alignment.

But I want to be the person who can put his shoulder to the plow and not even think of turning his head back. I am working on it. Marriage and fatherhood has been extremely helpful in this regard. I have duties and responsibilities to attend to at home that keep my flittering whims at bay, at least somewhat. I need a job with benefits. I need to be mentally stable. I need God.